worries, prayers, and earthquakes

I think something is coming. I know, I know, I really don't want to sound like one of those crazy people standing on the street corners screaming, "The END is near!" And I'm certainly not saying I'm psychic. But, I do think something big is coming.

I am afraid for California. I think we have been rather charmed for a long time and I am scared we are due.

I started getting worried about this a few months ago. It kept coming up on the news about how we, in OKLAHOMA, were having small earthquakes. Now, there *is* a fault that runs right through our state. We do get earthquakes here because of it but they are very small - usually in the mid 1's or mid 2's on the richter scale. And the richter scale is the only thing that even picks them up - they aren't even big enough for anyone to "feel". We average around 50 quakes per year but only a handful being large enough to be "felt". Last year we had 43 that were big enough to be felt and noticed.

They started to pick up in frequency last fall. So far in 2010 we have already had 14. Saturday we had one that measured 4.4 on the scale. Now, I realize that is not a large quake. But again, we are in Oklahoma. THAT is a big quake for us. We had another one yesterday - 2.5 on the scale. Now I'm in no way saying that I think we, in Oklahoma, are going to have a big earthquake - not at all. But I'm worried about what it means to our friends on the Pacific rim.

Here's where I digress on you. If I didn't know better, I would totally expect to run into Sam and Dean out there on Highway 77 any day now. I got hooked on Supernatural last fall. My cousin Kelli raved about it so I gave it a shot. I was hooked after one episode. I had missed the first 4 seasons and I was still hooked. Anyway they actually end up in Oklahoma investigating "things" a fair amount of the time. All these stronger earthquakes of recent days here in Oklahoma would be right up their alley, in terms of odd 'signs'. And their picture - for your viewing enjoyment. Or maybe just mine. Err, Ok - back to the real stuff.

So when you combine all of that on top of what has already happened in just the last 2 months - Haiti, Chili and then yesterday in Taiwan - I'm nervous. I'm real nervous for California. The plates are shifting and moving around. And when one moves...it creates space for the others to shift too. I want to be wrong about this. Truly I do. But I'm worried.

The only earthquake I've ever actually been in was in Chile. I was in Antofagasto, Chile and they had a small quake. If I remember right it was in the mid 5's. It was enough to shake the windows, rattle the dishes and knock some items over. It was also strong enough to cause the building we were in to "sway". Seriously - it swayed. We were on the top floor - floor 16 - facing the Pacific Ocean and the building swayed for a minute. It was extremely disconcerting to say the least. I learned very quickly that I do *not* like earthquakes. Remotely. At all. And I don't ever want to live in a place that has or could have real earthquakes.

Anyway this has been on my mind. I want to put it out there to ask the universe to cut us a break on the quakes for a bit. I would like us to keep California - I really don't want to see it slide off into the ocean. I have a lot of friends who live out there and I want them safe.

So I'm hoping and praying that things settle down. Soon. No more quakes - k- universe? There has been enough damage and heartbreak and tragedy in the first two months of 2010 - we don't need any more. Or maybe I'm delusional - I am very sleep deprived today. Or maybe I'm just crazy - I do have 3 brain tumors. Maybe they are effecting my grasp on reality. Or maybe we, as a whole, need a break - all of us.

I'm a Believer

No, not the song written by Mr. Neil Diamond and made famous by the Monkees. I am a believer in Acupuncture.


I had Acupuncture done on Wednesday and here is what I can tell you about it and about me.

I HATE NEEDLES. I hate needles with a sort of fervor that borders on phobia. Whenever I have to have an IV inserted it is really a Very.Big.Deal. if I do not, in fact, pass smooth out. I still have to MAKE myself sit still and breathe deeply during a blood draw or shot. Actually during a blood draw not two years ago I DID pass smooth out.

This brings us to Acupuncture; lots of little needles sticking out of my FACE (of all places) making me resemble that disgusting movie personality Pinhead. (I hated this movie. It is the only movie that I have ever gotten up and walked out of - true story - I digress.) I should have been wigged completely out. Except I wasn't. I kept expecting the panic, the DREAD feeling to descend upon me as the appointment day drew closer: 2 days before, the day before, the day OF. But I woke up Wednesday morning and still I didn't feel it. I kept waiting for it to arrive, but no, it just never showed.

So I got there and was still relaxed and we started and she was doing deep massage on my back and shoulders and telling me I was "very blocked" and I felt a sort of *pinch*. I asked her what that was and she said, "Oh, it's the needles." I said, YOU PUT A NEEDLE IN MY BACK? She said, "Oh ya, there are lots in actually - you OK?" Shocked, I told her I was fine. I had only felt that ONE. Evidently my back was a pin cushion and I didn't even know. Before too much longer I realized she was massaging my entire back and I inquired about the needles; because how could you massage if there were needles back there? She said, "Oh, those have been out a few minutes now." Again - I wasn't even aware they had come OUT. WOW. I turned over and this continued on my face. She told me if I was scared of needles to keep my eyes shut. I did for a bit. These I could feel as they went in, well, maybe half of them I could feel - the others I didn't have any sense of at all. I opened my eyes to see little needles - like trees all around my right eye - on my eyebrow, forehead, upper cheek, and it stuck with me that they sort of swayed if I moved or spoke. It didn't scare me a bit. And it didn't hurt. On some of them I felt a pinch for literally 2 -3 seconds - and then nothing. No pain whatsoever. I also had no sense of when they were removed.

Right after the procedure was over I *did* notice a difference with my face. There was significantly more blood flow to the side affected by the Bell's Palsy (the right side), which was what she intended. And the hypertonic muscles by mouth seemed more relaxed and I could definitely raise my right eyebrow more. Since then those results have faded a bit but I have lots more hope; I believe I could see some improvement and that I will continue to see improvement. Also, the day after my back and shoulders were very sore, even so I slept very well that night and last night I got good, deep sleep. I woke up today feeling WONDERFUL. I've also been markedly more relaxed and HAPPY. I have not had another headache and my face has not hurt much since Tuesday night.

Is it the Acupuncture? Is it the massage? Is it the prayer? I don't know. It is probably some combination of the three. But whatever it is I am thankful for it. And, for a change, I feel GOOD. I really think I forgot what it was like to feel good.

So thank you - to my wonderful friends sending their prayers and energy, to my amazing Acupuncturist/Massage Therapist for her abilities, and to the Divine for allowing me to experience all of it.

Today is a musical day for me. I have always felt like my life had a soundtrack (that is another post to come) and big moments in my life have had some sort of song attached - at least in my mind. I'm going to leave you with a few words from the song that's been stuck in my head since yesterday...In the immortal words of The Rolling Stones...
You Can't Always Get What You Want
But if you try sometimes
You might just find
You Get What You Need.

Enjoy...

What IF

My next MRI is scheduled for February 24th in Dallas. I will see my NS two hours after the MRI and I'll be bringing the films with me when I see him so we will know what they show right away.

So I did what I said I was going to do - I called my doctor and set it all up. Small steps right? I know I need to do this but it scares the hell out of me. The appointment date looms on the calendar at me. At least when I don't have anything set up I can forget about it some days. But when it's scheduled our lives tend to revolve around that date until it arrives.

I was thinking today about belief: in things, in prayer, and in absolutes. I picked Alec up from school and told him about the MRI and up-coming appointment. He was concerned and worried and said, "What if it's worse?" I said, "then we'll deal with it." And then I said, "What if it's better?" He just looked at me and said, "Do you think it could get better?" And I said, Yes.

And I DO believe that. More than that I even believe that it could go away. How's that for crazy? But it's true. Up until now when I thought about my best possible outcome I had always thought of the tumors just halting their growth pattern and rate; that they would just freeze in place. Today I had the insane idea that they might just start to retreat - grow in reverse - simply go away.

Now, I know how this sounds. Denial is not just a river in Egypt - ya, I got that.

But what IF. What IF?

I am frankly tired of living in the world of absolutes. I didn't used to live in that world - when I was little I was absolutely convinced of what if. What if means possibility; what if means HOPE.

I believe in prayer. Prayer of all kinds. Prayer, by its very nature, is in the business of what if. I truly believe that if you pray the Divine will listen. Doesn't mean you'll always get what you ask for but I believe that you are heard. I fall asleep damn near every night praying. Now - that is not too say that it is a boring process to me - far from it. It is more that it relaxes me to the point that I actually fall asleep. It makes me happy to know my last thought, conscious or unconscious, was with God.

I also believe in the power of our mind. I believe that through what we think we help create the world around us daily. The subconscious is the most open to suggestion in that "tween" time between waking and sleeping. So what better time to talk to myself and my God about curing the tumors than right as I'm falling asleep? Why should I just lay down and give in to the brain squatters? Why not fight the dark images with Hope? What if I believe I can be cured and really bring it about?

When I spoke with the doctor's office this morning they originally scheduled all this for February 3rd. It was after that conversation that I had this Hope Epiphany and decided that the tumors were going to go away. The doctors office called me back an hour ago to say they were sorry but they had to bump me back to February 24th. What IF that happened to allow my body more time to heal itself? May sound crazy but I think it sounds good. It gives me something positive to look forward too - something positive to FOCUS on.

So this is my shameless plea for prayers. I'll take any and all comers. Prayer of any kind is fine - I'm not picky. It works; I am convinced of it. We have until February 24th. What IF we manifest a miracle folks? Let's see if we can.