I gave in to the fear

I did.

I totally caved and cried uncle and let it win.

I've been too afraid to write about this stuff, too afraid of what it would make me feel, too afraid of what it would mean I would have to do.

That I would have to face it. Really face it. And deal with it. And accept it as my reality. It is SO much easier to hide and pull the covers over my head. Did you know that? Well, it is. But that is all bullshit. Because deep down I know it isn't right to do that. I know it. And that part of me that demands LIFE and JOY and BREATH whispers to me all the time that I can't hide anymore. Lately it's been yelling at me.

And I finally listened.

So anyone who is actually reading this needs to understand right now that a good lot of what I'm going to document in here isn't going to be pretty. Actually a good lot of it is going to be ugly and raw but absolutely true. At least it will be my truth.

I was afraid to write in here - afraid of the judgement my honesty might bring from others.
But you know what? So what. So what if I'm judged by other people reading this. This is MY blog; these are MY experiences; and these are MY feelings.

Judge if you want but you will not fully understand or stand as my judge until you have lived what I am living right now. I have one being who will judge me - just as you do - and I haven't stood in that Divine presence YET.

So here it is. There is going to be a lot of self loathing, self hatred, hatred of these bullshit diseases, hatred of my face, grief over the loss of my face, of a lot of my identity - of who I was and who I just don't get to be anymore. There is gonna be a lot of anger. If you don't like it - don't read it. These are my feelings right now and damnit they are VALID. They are a part of this experience and I can't keep covering them up. I will HAVE to let myself experience them all - fully - to ever hope to crawl out the other end of this thing. This is the place I'm going to attempt to do that.

Here's a story for you all.

2 days ago I had to take my oldest son to Dallas and put him on a plane to go see his dad for the summer. We went down the night before b/c my asshat of an ex-husband booked Alec on a 7am flight. Ya - don't even get me started. So we went the night before and got a hotel room.

We went to dinner and stuffed ourselves silly - so to let things digest before we exploded - we walked around a little out door mall and went into the Old Navy store there. I bought Alec a couple of long sleeved shirts to take with him (his dad lives in Washington state and it is still in the 50's there - can you imagine? - sorry I tend to digress)

So we were standing there checking out and the girl checking us out was talking to Alec and me. Over to my right there were 2 young guys - probably around 15 - just sitting there waiting on their mom to get done shopping. Every single time I said something - they busted out laughing. LAUGHING. And then they'd make faces at each other. It was VERY.OBVIOUS. they were laughing at us - or me rather. It was like a hard slap in the face because it was so unexpected. To be laughed at - so obviously. In public. Right out in the open.

I tried to ignore them. We got outside and Alec said - "what were those 2 guys laughing at? Seriously - what was their deal? That was really annoying." He kept talking about it because it WAS really obvious.

Now you see - my angel of a son is 12. And just like these lovely people in my family - they are so used to looking at me now they don't even SEE the Bell's Palsy residuals anymore. They just.see.me. But when I'm out in public, around strangers, they don't see ME and the me I used to be. They see a woman whose face looks a bit off but looks REALLY weird when she speaks. My mouth doesn't act exactly like it should when I speak anymore, my smile is still wonky, I have that weird dimple that shows up and moves around off center, and the right side of my face and eye do odd things when I talk - and I can't control any of it. Most of the time people out and about just stare at that side of my face for a few seconds. This was the first time I have experienced someone actually laughing at me. In front of me. At my face. At what I look like now.

It was a deeply painful experience for me.

I am crying even as I type this right now.

Do you know that I don't feel any different on the inside? Do you know that? Do you know that I still forget sometimes that I look like this? Well, I do. But then I have to go out in public and I remember. Because I see how people see me now. And it hurts.

I know it could be worse. I do. I get that.

But this sucks too.

And it is OK for me to say it.

And to feel it.

you just never know

I was sitting in my stylists chair today and she was busy cutting my hair and we were talking. It was a nice day, I had some time away from the kids AND I was having my hair done - something that hasn't happened since last September. I was having a good day. I thought.

And then she asked me about the tumors.

And the healthcare bill.

And I just lost my shit. utterly. sitting there in that chair - sobbing.

I think I'm doing better and that I'm processing things and "moving on" and then it just comes up and smacks me in the face. You ever see those old Tom and Jerry cartoons where one of them would grab a glove and SMACK the other one across the face with it? That's exactly what it felt like.

I don't know if I'm ever really going to come to terms with all of this. I don't even know if it's possible. Maybe the best I can do is just manage it day to day - hour to hour.

Frozen

Thanks to all that is sacred and holy our heater is finally working again. It went out on us the first part of last week and stayed out until Thursday night. *groan* But after many wrong parts and 2 different service people being here, my husband actually ended up being the one to get the correct sized part AND put the damn thing in - the furnace started right up. Turns out the motor that turns the fan had died.

Anyway my husband rocks.

But I am frozen. I know it's because of the appointment next Wednesday. I talked about how the closer the appointment comes on the calendar the more afraid I become here. That's what is happening again. And I also know it's the fear that has control of me which is why I can't seem to write anything. All I can think of is the appointment. And the images. And the what if's.

I am afraid. I wish so much that none of this was happening and that I was just living a normal life with my husband and my kids but without MRI's and Neurosurgeons and treatment discussions.

I want it all to go away. And I have a VERY strong desire to go hide. Crawl down into some dark hole and hide. And pretend. And hope that it just goes away. Not very mature - eh? I know. There is a rather large part of me that just does not care.

I am going to attempt to get a hold on this today. I've let it rule me completely for the last week or so but I have to get a grip. I have to take back control. I have to walk past the little holes and caves. I don't get to hide. I owe it to my awesome husband and children to stay on the path and see where it takes me.

 Aye, there's the rub. Because where it takes me it takes them too. I think I hate that the most - that all of this has to happen to them as well. See my instinct is to protect them from the Bad Things. And here I am - the one who is dragging them through all of this. It is because of me that my kids know the words MRI, Meningioma, benign, malignant, and radiation and further know what they mean. But I can't give in to the self-loathing either. That is a well I might never crawl out of and that will get me nowhere.

So today I'm going to take a break from my manic state of denial - read redecorating of our house - and try to find my center. Breathe deeply. And hope I can find the strength I need to walk through this coming week. I am not daft. I know the fear will always stay with me but I just don't want to let it lead me anymore. If I have to carry it with me then I hope I can manage to put it in my back pocket. Right where I can sit on it....and maybe even squash it.