Monday, January 25, 2010

What IF

My next MRI is scheduled for February 24th in Dallas. I will see my NS two hours after the MRI and I'll be bringing the films with me when I see him so we will know what they show right away.

So I did what I said I was going to do - I called my doctor and set it all up. Small steps right? I know I need to do this but it scares the hell out of me. The appointment date looms on the calendar at me. At least when I don't have anything set up I can forget about it some days. But when it's scheduled our lives tend to revolve around that date until it arrives.

I was thinking today about belief: in things, in prayer, and in absolutes. I picked Alec up from school and told him about the MRI and up-coming appointment. He was concerned and worried and said, "What if it's worse?" I said, "then we'll deal with it." And then I said, "What if it's better?" He just looked at me and said, "Do you think it could get better?" And I said, Yes.

And I DO believe that. More than that I even believe that it could go away. How's that for crazy? But it's true. Up until now when I thought about my best possible outcome I had always thought of the tumors just halting their growth pattern and rate; that they would just freeze in place. Today I had the insane idea that they might just start to retreat - grow in reverse - simply go away.

Now, I know how this sounds. Denial is not just a river in Egypt - ya, I got that.

But what IF. What IF?

I am frankly tired of living in the world of absolutes. I didn't used to live in that world - when I was little I was absolutely convinced of what if. What if means possibility; what if means HOPE.

I believe in prayer. Prayer of all kinds. Prayer, by its very nature, is in the business of what if. I truly believe that if you pray the Divine will listen. Doesn't mean you'll always get what you ask for but I believe that you are heard. I fall asleep damn near every night praying. Now - that is not too say that it is a boring process to me - far from it. It is more that it relaxes me to the point that I actually fall asleep. It makes me happy to know my last thought, conscious or unconscious, was with God.

I also believe in the power of our mind. I believe that through what we think we help create the world around us daily. The subconscious is the most open to suggestion in that "tween" time between waking and sleeping. So what better time to talk to myself and my God about curing the tumors than right as I'm falling asleep? Why should I just lay down and give in to the brain squatters? Why not fight the dark images with Hope? What if I believe I can be cured and really bring it about?

When I spoke with the doctor's office this morning they originally scheduled all this for February 3rd. It was after that conversation that I had this Hope Epiphany and decided that the tumors were going to go away. The doctors office called me back an hour ago to say they were sorry but they had to bump me back to February 24th. What IF that happened to allow my body more time to heal itself? May sound crazy but I think it sounds good. It gives me something positive to look forward too - something positive to FOCUS on.

So this is my shameless plea for prayers. I'll take any and all comers. Prayer of any kind is fine - I'm not picky. It works; I am convinced of it. We have until February 24th. What IF we manifest a miracle folks? Let's see if we can.


  1. Love you Kath and sending prayers & healing thoughts your way. I just have a gut feeling that things will be okay...yep, everything is going to be good. I'm sending that out into the universe!

  2. Kath, I didn't know about the tumors. I remember you talking about the Bells Palsy but the tumors are new to me. I see that I need to do some catch up reading! I am definitely going to pray. I have more to say but I need to get to bed so I will PM you.

  3. Kendall - THANK YOU. TY for all your support. I have pics to post of my crafty endeavors from last weekend. You always inspire me!
    Michele - Yes, 3 Meningiomas. They found them doing an MRI after the Bells showed up. If you go to my post called Pruning I give a timeline in there of when it all happened. 2 are in my brain and 1 is on my right optic nerve. They are all considered "benign" but that just means not aggressively invading the brain. The one on my optic nerve is taking my sight slowly in that eye - or so they tell me. I am refusing to accept that as truth. I am so glad you are back and was THRILLED when I saw you as a follower! YA! Yes, catch up reading and PM me about what has been happening in your world. :)

  4. my hope (from past experiences) is worthless unfortunately as you know.

    though maybe it would work if I asked for someone other than me? I'm just afraid to curse you.

    I'll send video game blasting thoughts to the squatters. That can't hurt you.


  5. definitely will be sending up good healing thoughts for you Kath. Lots of love.