Friday, April 30, 2010

I'm still around

I haven't written in here much because I've discovered that the talking about all my stuff, the bells, the tumors, my eye, etc - tends to make me more depressed.

I have a hard enough time with all of it when I try NOT to think about it.

I have been keeping myself manically busy and documenting that on my other blog. It's all bullshit. And smoke and mirrors. Anything to keep me from thinking about this shitty ass reality.

But here's a dirty little secret. I still think about it. And I still have trouble sleeping. And I still cry. All the time.

Remember how I have talked about dreams I've had and how I look like my old self in my dreams? How I still look "normal" in my dreams? Well, this past week has seen that stop. Just like last night - when I dream now and see myself in my dreams - I look like I do now - I can see the bells or in my dream it's even worse. So maybe I'm beginning to accept it? I don't know.

I'm afraid my vision is actually getting worse. I've started researching glass eyes. I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

I will say this though. I'm still thankful this is happening to me. I'll take it and then some if it means my kids get to be fine and ok. I would rather it be me. So maybe it is ok. I know I have to learn to live with it and I'm trying...well, struggling is probably more accurate. But then - we all struggle with live don't we? Some of us just have MRI pictures of our demons is all.

Ya, so this is where I am. I know I'm depressed. I know I'm struggling with all of it. I refuse to give in to it. If that means I have to strip every piece of furniture in this house and repaint it so that I'm busy and I have a goal every day - then so be it. I have to have something to look forward too - something I can physically do and channel my energy into - right now it's things in my home since I can't do jack about the things in my head.

If anyone is actually reading this - take a minute and thank God or whoever you pray too - for all the things you DO have. I guarantee you - no matter what your situation - you still have MORE good than bad.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


We went to my husband's office party the other night and it was fun. It was the first time I've been out of the house without the kids in a long time. And it is still hard for me to go out in public because I am very aware of how I look now. I know I look a TON better but that I'm still a And that is ok. I have to begin to LIVE my life again. Get busy living or get busy dying right? And I'm not ready to die. Not yet. Not for a long while.

But I noticed some things while I was there.

People look at me a bit different now. Rather than looking at me as I'm talking...they LOOK AT me and I can tell they aren't listening because they are staring at my face...probably trying to figure out why my mouth looks they way it does when I speak.

I hate that.

Here's the other thing. I don't even know how many people because I lost count - but the first thing they said to me was not, hello - or hi or haven't seen you in a while...but it was, "Oh my gosh, How are you feeling????"


I know they mean well. I do. I get that. And I appreciate it.


and it's a big damn BUT

I feel fine.

Truthfully I've never felt bad. Well, not physically at least. If I hadn't gotten the Bell's, then I never would have had the MRI and I would not know about the tumors. I don't have headaches. I feel normal.

Physically, I feel normal.

Mentally, emotionally, and psychologically I am a trainwreck a lot of the time. Actually I'm pretty much fucked.


and again, this is a big BUT

No one wants to hear that.

They don't actually want you to tell them the truth. They don't want to hear that there are days I can't get off the floor. They don't want to know about the days I cry all day long. They don't want to talk about how afraid I am that I might die from this thing behind my eye. It makes them nervous; uncomfortable. It tends to end conversations. And then those same people avoid you for the rest of the night. My bet would be that most people with cancer have this same experience.

And it sucks ass ya'll.

If you are reading this and you are lucky enough to not have cancer and you know someone who does...if you see them - either talk to them about other stuff - like regular LIFE stuff. OR, if you do ask about the cancer - then do them the courtesy of actually *listening* to what they have to say. Authentically. They might need to talk about it. And if you can't do that then don't ask. mmmmm K?

I hate this. But then who actually likes going through any of this - right?

It's Wordless Wednesday - some pics of me from Saturday. You can still see the Bell's residuals. And that creepy ass dimple thing in my chin. I DON'T HAVE A DIMPLE IN MY FN CHIN.

10 months into Bell's Palsy

fn dimple...

lips and mouth still crooked

And because I want to leave you with something happy

My little Diva girl...outside enjoying the weather - 10 months old

Hope everyone has a good day.

Friday, April 9, 2010

you just never know

I was sitting in my stylists chair today and she was busy cutting my hair and we were talking. It was a nice day, I had some time away from the kids AND I was having my hair done - something that hasn't happened since last September. I was having a good day. I thought.

And then she asked me about the tumors.

And the healthcare bill.

And I just lost my shit. utterly. sitting there in that chair - sobbing.

I think I'm doing better and that I'm processing things and "moving on" and then it just comes up and smacks me in the face. You ever see those old Tom and Jerry cartoons where one of them would grab a glove and SMACK the other one across the face with it? That's exactly what it felt like.

I don't know if I'm ever really going to come to terms with all of this. I don't even know if it's possible. Maybe the best I can do is just manage it day to day - hour to hour.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Cali earthquake

They had an earthquake tonight in Baha California - 7.2 on the scale.

That's pretty tough but...well...I hope that is all there is to it. We need the earthquakes to stop.

I'm off to Big D

I have a doctors appt in Dallas tomorrow so I'll be out of pocket for a day or two. I am seeing an ENT at UT Southwestern about the Bell's Palsy. After my appt with him then I see a therapist there who specializes in Bells. I don't know if they'll be able to help me at all but it's worth a shot - right? *sigh*

I am better and the Bell's is much improved...but. I still have residuals, my face is still a bit *off*, and well, my mouth is still...just...weird. Maybe it will still continue to get better. I'll see what the experts have to say and will report back.

I'm taking Piper down there with me - so wish us luck. Or say a prayer. Or both. Oh and she is 10 months old tomorrow. I can't believe she's so big. I love her more than there are words to express.

Hope everyone had a good Easter. Ours was fabulous. The trees are amazing and the flowers are gorgeous and this weekend was perfect. I am grateful.