I haven't written in here much because I've discovered that the talking about all my stuff, the bells, the tumors, my eye, etc - tends to make me more depressed.
I have a hard enough time with all of it when I try NOT to think about it.
I have been keeping myself manically busy and documenting that on my other blog. It's all bullshit. And smoke and mirrors. Anything to keep me from thinking about this shitty ass reality.
But here's a dirty little secret. I still think about it. And I still have trouble sleeping. And I still cry. All the time.
Remember how I have talked about dreams I've had and how I look like my old self in my dreams? How I still look "normal" in my dreams? Well, this past week has seen that stop. Just like last night - when I dream now and see myself in my dreams - I look like I do now - I can see the bells or in my dream it's even worse. So maybe I'm beginning to accept it? I don't know.
I'm afraid my vision is actually getting worse. I've started researching glass eyes. I'm scared out of my fucking mind.
I will say this though. I'm still thankful this is happening to me. I'll take it and then some if it means my kids get to be fine and ok. I would rather it be me. So maybe it is ok. I know I have to learn to live with it and I'm trying...well, struggling is probably more accurate. But then - we all struggle with live don't we? Some of us just have MRI pictures of our demons is all.
Ya, so this is where I am. I know I'm depressed. I know I'm struggling with all of it. I refuse to give in to it. If that means I have to strip every piece of furniture in this house and repaint it so that I'm busy and I have a goal every day - then so be it. I have to have something to look forward too - something I can physically do and channel my energy into - right now it's things in my home since I can't do jack about the things in my head.
If anyone is actually reading this - take a minute and thank God or whoever you pray too - for all the things you DO have. I guarantee you - no matter what your situation - you still have MORE good than bad.
Sked, Stuff, And Other Updatery-Doo
2 days ago