Friday, April 30, 2010

I'm still around

I haven't written in here much because I've discovered that the talking about all my stuff, the bells, the tumors, my eye, etc - tends to make me more depressed.

I have a hard enough time with all of it when I try NOT to think about it.

I have been keeping myself manically busy and documenting that on my other blog. It's all bullshit. And smoke and mirrors. Anything to keep me from thinking about this shitty ass reality.

But here's a dirty little secret. I still think about it. And I still have trouble sleeping. And I still cry. All the time.

Remember how I have talked about dreams I've had and how I look like my old self in my dreams? How I still look "normal" in my dreams? Well, this past week has seen that stop. Just like last night - when I dream now and see myself in my dreams - I look like I do now - I can see the bells or in my dream it's even worse. So maybe I'm beginning to accept it? I don't know.

I'm afraid my vision is actually getting worse. I've started researching glass eyes. I'm scared out of my fucking mind.

I will say this though. I'm still thankful this is happening to me. I'll take it and then some if it means my kids get to be fine and ok. I would rather it be me. So maybe it is ok. I know I have to learn to live with it and I'm trying...well, struggling is probably more accurate. But then - we all struggle with live don't we? Some of us just have MRI pictures of our demons is all.

Ya, so this is where I am. I know I'm depressed. I know I'm struggling with all of it. I refuse to give in to it. If that means I have to strip every piece of furniture in this house and repaint it so that I'm busy and I have a goal every day - then so be it. I have to have something to look forward too - something I can physically do and channel my energy into - right now it's things in my home since I can't do jack about the things in my head.

If anyone is actually reading this - take a minute and thank God or whoever you pray too - for all the things you DO have. I guarantee you - no matter what your situation - you still have MORE good than bad.


  1. God I don't know who you are and what it is you're struggling with but it would seem something really horrible is going on in your life. Do you have cancer or something like macular degeneration in your eyes. I would search on your blog to find out--but I live on the edge all the time of depression and think if I were to find out it might REALLY depress me. I hope everything goes ok for you. It's very hard to read such honest words of someone baring their soul--and probably reaching out for some form of encouragement and support and be unable to give it. I lost both my parents in the last 18 months and struggle to deal with that. 6 weeks after my father's death i moved to egypt to work on a US govt contract here. my husband couldn't accompany me--and my kids are grown so..they are all in the US. i have lots of days where the pain of losing my parents just overwhelms me....and i feel SO alone much of the time. this blogging which i started about 2 months is what keeps me from going nuts much of the time. anyway, i know that sometimes it just takes one comment from a friendly caring voice to make the day a bit better. i hope that knowing there's someone a stranger who does care helps to make today a bit better for you. good luck--i am sending lots of good karma your way. i found your blog on the lady blogger's site btw.