Wednesday, January 13, 2010

time to change my filter

I noticed last night when my husband came home he had stopped by Lowe's and bought a new filter for our furnace. He changed the old one out and it was full of all sorts of nasty bits and wads of who-knows-what-sorts of sludge. I remember thinking I was surprised if anything good was able to get through all of that. It was a Good Thing that he changed the filter now before it was too clogged to function at all.

Which got me thinking about my own personal filter.

I need to change it. It *is* clogged with much too much sludge and negativity and in general Bad Things. It is tiresome trying to filter my life through all that crap.

So I'm removing that one and putting in a new one. I'm not even sure that is entirely possible but I'm going to try. I have always believed that we are a sum of our parts - parts being our experiences. And what is all that clogging up my filter but my own life experiences? Hell - what IS a filter if not a sieve of our life experiences that slants the way we see and perceive the world?

Mine pretty much filters out LIGHT and lets in only the gray. Not good. I am fed up with seeing the world in that way: through the dark half - light.

It is interesting to me that this epiphany occurs now when the sight in one of my eyes is fading to black and I see mostly gray through it. Ironic much? Maybe that is part of this lesson. I mean, after all, how many Greek tragedies have you read where the BLIND man is the Seer? Damn near every one. God has a sense of humor - clearly. I digress.

Back to me and how I got here. I believe that when you hear the Bad Things often enough and loud enough and from the people who are supposed to love you as a child you take them in to your filter to be Truth. Even if they are not.

So now I'm attempting to replace what has been my filter all of my life: the belief that I deserve the Bad Things, the belief that I brought the Bad Things on myself, the belief that I will only continue to draw the Bad Things to me.

To all that I say a loud FUCK OFF.

I'm tired of being Sorry. I'm tired of being co-fucking-dependent. I'm tired of the Bad Things ruling my thought process.

My father stopped speaking to me 2 years ago this month. I have no idea why. He won't answer his phone when I call, or return my phone messages or emails. He won't tell me why - although he makes it clear it is OBVIOUSLY my fault. Well, fuck that too. Here's what. If I do something to you to upset you - then tell me. I am not a mind reader. I am not doing whatever it is on purpose. I don't know that I'm doing it - otherwise I would stop.

So fine. I have cried and wept and grieved over this. And I have done so because I felt like I deserved this. That I brought this on myself. That I deserved no better. That was my filter he gave me as a child. I still have it and he knows how to access it. No more. I'm done. I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT then and I don't deserve it now.

I'm also tired of the passive aggressive bullshit. I have enough of the Bad Things in my life; I don't need to invite in more. So as of now that is gone too. I'm cleaving it out with the paring knife I was given for Christmas. It's hella sharp.

I'm not stupid. I'm sure that some left over nodules of sewage will rise to the top now and then and attempt to clog up my filter. But this time is different. I will slice it out before it gets too much of a foothold. It can not live here anymore. I have flogged myself enough throughout my life. I am done. Time served.

I have a great many Very Good Things in my life: too many to name. And because of that and a zillion other reasons, I need to let the light in; I need a clean filter. I deserve to be happy, and loved, and healed, and whole. THAT is my new filter. If you don't bring one of those 4 things into my life then you are going to be filtered and removed. I have my paring knife; and I'm not afraid to use it.


  1. you say things so well.

    And that sounds like a damn good idea. funny, Al just tried to change ours the other night, but we happened to be out of them. I will try to get those today. A new filter would be wonderful.


  2. Crying...Kathleen, you and I share a lot of the same childhood my dear, but we've talked about that. Love your new outlook! Damn, I had to go through 5 years of expensive therapy to have that epiphany. I should have just talked to you! Big Texas smooch to ya!

    Blog looks great by the way and how did you add that ultra snazzy signature?

  3. Looks good!!!

    And much easier to read. :D

  4. See what happens when I don't look at my old posts? I don't get to respond to the comments! My friend Leigh did my blog - it looks good right??!?! Kendall I'll send you her email if you are interested!