Frozen

Thanks to all that is sacred and holy our heater is finally working again. It went out on us the first part of last week and stayed out until Thursday night. *groan* But after many wrong parts and 2 different service people being here, my husband actually ended up being the one to get the correct sized part AND put the damn thing in - the furnace started right up. Turns out the motor that turns the fan had died.

Anyway my husband rocks.

But I am frozen. I know it's because of the appointment next Wednesday. I talked about how the closer the appointment comes on the calendar the more afraid I become here. That's what is happening again. And I also know it's the fear that has control of me which is why I can't seem to write anything. All I can think of is the appointment. And the images. And the what if's.

I am afraid. I wish so much that none of this was happening and that I was just living a normal life with my husband and my kids but without MRI's and Neurosurgeons and treatment discussions.

I want it all to go away. And I have a VERY strong desire to go hide. Crawl down into some dark hole and hide. And pretend. And hope that it just goes away. Not very mature - eh? I know. There is a rather large part of me that just does not care.

I am going to attempt to get a hold on this today. I've let it rule me completely for the last week or so but I have to get a grip. I have to take back control. I have to walk past the little holes and caves. I don't get to hide. I owe it to my awesome husband and children to stay on the path and see where it takes me.

 Aye, there's the rub. Because where it takes me it takes them too. I think I hate that the most - that all of this has to happen to them as well. See my instinct is to protect them from the Bad Things. And here I am - the one who is dragging them through all of this. It is because of me that my kids know the words MRI, Meningioma, benign, malignant, and radiation and further know what they mean. But I can't give in to the self-loathing either. That is a well I might never crawl out of and that will get me nowhere.

So today I'm going to take a break from my manic state of denial - read redecorating of our house - and try to find my center. Breathe deeply. And hope I can find the strength I need to walk through this coming week. I am not daft. I know the fear will always stay with me but I just don't want to let it lead me anymore. If I have to carry it with me then I hope I can manage to put it in my back pocket. Right where I can sit on it....and maybe even squash it.