Wednesday, April 14, 2010


We went to my husband's office party the other night and it was fun. It was the first time I've been out of the house without the kids in a long time. And it is still hard for me to go out in public because I am very aware of how I look now. I know I look a TON better but that I'm still a And that is ok. I have to begin to LIVE my life again. Get busy living or get busy dying right? And I'm not ready to die. Not yet. Not for a long while.

But I noticed some things while I was there.

People look at me a bit different now. Rather than looking at me as I'm talking...they LOOK AT me and I can tell they aren't listening because they are staring at my face...probably trying to figure out why my mouth looks they way it does when I speak.

I hate that.

Here's the other thing. I don't even know how many people because I lost count - but the first thing they said to me was not, hello - or hi or haven't seen you in a while...but it was, "Oh my gosh, How are you feeling????"


I know they mean well. I do. I get that. And I appreciate it.


and it's a big damn BUT

I feel fine.

Truthfully I've never felt bad. Well, not physically at least. If I hadn't gotten the Bell's, then I never would have had the MRI and I would not know about the tumors. I don't have headaches. I feel normal.

Physically, I feel normal.

Mentally, emotionally, and psychologically I am a trainwreck a lot of the time. Actually I'm pretty much fucked.


and again, this is a big BUT

No one wants to hear that.

They don't actually want you to tell them the truth. They don't want to hear that there are days I can't get off the floor. They don't want to know about the days I cry all day long. They don't want to talk about how afraid I am that I might die from this thing behind my eye. It makes them nervous; uncomfortable. It tends to end conversations. And then those same people avoid you for the rest of the night. My bet would be that most people with cancer have this same experience.

And it sucks ass ya'll.

If you are reading this and you are lucky enough to not have cancer and you know someone who does...if you see them - either talk to them about other stuff - like regular LIFE stuff. OR, if you do ask about the cancer - then do them the courtesy of actually *listening* to what they have to say. Authentically. They might need to talk about it. And if you can't do that then don't ask. mmmmm K?

I hate this. But then who actually likes going through any of this - right?

It's Wordless Wednesday - some pics of me from Saturday. You can still see the Bell's residuals. And that creepy ass dimple thing in my chin. I DON'T HAVE A DIMPLE IN MY FN CHIN.

10 months into Bell's Palsy

fn dimple...

lips and mouth still crooked

And because I want to leave you with something happy

My little Diva girl...outside enjoying the weather - 10 months old

Hope everyone has a good day.


  1. You know, you're gorgeous any way you slice it. Asymmetrical, yes. But still completely gorgeous.

  2. You really look like you have a ton more movement! Gorgeous hair too.

  3. Your daughter is a cutie! LOVE the crawling shot. Following you back from FF. Hang in there. :)

  4. Followed you from your widdlebugs blog, following here as well. I am so sorry people look at you differently, but as I have not seen you before the Bell's Palsy, I think you look beautiful!

    I have yahoo msgr If you'd ever like to talk: witchmagick63...and I won't be trying to give you advice because I know absolutely nothing about the condition you have (hmmm, good time to research it, eh?). Sometimes ppl just need to let off steam to someone who will listen.

    BTW, your widdlebug is adorable!!