What IF

My next MRI is scheduled for February 24th in Dallas. I will see my NS two hours after the MRI and I'll be bringing the films with me when I see him so we will know what they show right away.

So I did what I said I was going to do - I called my doctor and set it all up. Small steps right? I know I need to do this but it scares the hell out of me. The appointment date looms on the calendar at me. At least when I don't have anything set up I can forget about it some days. But when it's scheduled our lives tend to revolve around that date until it arrives.

I was thinking today about belief: in things, in prayer, and in absolutes. I picked Alec up from school and told him about the MRI and up-coming appointment. He was concerned and worried and said, "What if it's worse?" I said, "then we'll deal with it." And then I said, "What if it's better?" He just looked at me and said, "Do you think it could get better?" And I said, Yes.

And I DO believe that. More than that I even believe that it could go away. How's that for crazy? But it's true. Up until now when I thought about my best possible outcome I had always thought of the tumors just halting their growth pattern and rate; that they would just freeze in place. Today I had the insane idea that they might just start to retreat - grow in reverse - simply go away.

Now, I know how this sounds. Denial is not just a river in Egypt - ya, I got that.

But what IF. What IF?

I am frankly tired of living in the world of absolutes. I didn't used to live in that world - when I was little I was absolutely convinced of what if. What if means possibility; what if means HOPE.

I believe in prayer. Prayer of all kinds. Prayer, by its very nature, is in the business of what if. I truly believe that if you pray the Divine will listen. Doesn't mean you'll always get what you ask for but I believe that you are heard. I fall asleep damn near every night praying. Now - that is not too say that it is a boring process to me - far from it. It is more that it relaxes me to the point that I actually fall asleep. It makes me happy to know my last thought, conscious or unconscious, was with God.

I also believe in the power of our mind. I believe that through what we think we help create the world around us daily. The subconscious is the most open to suggestion in that "tween" time between waking and sleeping. So what better time to talk to myself and my God about curing the tumors than right as I'm falling asleep? Why should I just lay down and give in to the brain squatters? Why not fight the dark images with Hope? What if I believe I can be cured and really bring it about?

When I spoke with the doctor's office this morning they originally scheduled all this for February 3rd. It was after that conversation that I had this Hope Epiphany and decided that the tumors were going to go away. The doctors office called me back an hour ago to say they were sorry but they had to bump me back to February 24th. What IF that happened to allow my body more time to heal itself? May sound crazy but I think it sounds good. It gives me something positive to look forward too - something positive to FOCUS on.

So this is my shameless plea for prayers. I'll take any and all comers. Prayer of any kind is fine - I'm not picky. It works; I am convinced of it. We have until February 24th. What IF we manifest a miracle folks? Let's see if we can.

Not so good

My head hurts today. I took some Advil earlier but it isn't doing much good. I think I need something stronger but I don't have anything stronger. I'm hoping it is just a headache but...

This is where the fear makes its entrance. I'm trying to avoid that road but given the 3 squatters in my brain the fear is actually justified.

My Pollyanna side keeps telling me I have a headache from the wine last night. But I only had 1 glass. And that was with dinner. Not sure it could actually cause a headache today.

Also, my right eye is giving me a lot of problems these days. It has been watery and red and achy since last week. Again, trying to not go down the fear path. But again, knowing that one of those damn squatters has wrapped itself around my right optic nerve isn't doing me any favors either.

So this is all the posting I'm doing today. I'm going to do some laundry and lay down quite a bit. Try resting my mind and my eye.

I'm calling my NS tomorrow. I have to set up my next MRI and appointment to talk over what is happening up there in my head.

I am afraid. But I'm still going to make the phone call.

Updates

Converting our informal dining room into a playroom was the best idea I've had in a long time. The kids LOVE it and Max plays in there all the time now. With Piper. Without attempting to injure her.

This is a Very Good Thing.

I promised pictures and I will tell you all right now that I suck at actually uploading the things and saving them and all that so sometimes it takes me awhile to get around to it.

BUT I did manage to upload some the other day so here is a glimpse at what we did in there.

I have more to do but it's a start.

Pip cut her second bottom tooth last night. That is also a Very Good Thing as it was causing her a considerable amount of pain. She is also getting up on her hands and knees every chance she gets and managing to move forwards at times. I feel pretty confident that she will be crawling by Feb. 1st.

Alec brought his report card home and he has an A in Literature. His actual number grade in that class was a 99. A 99 people. 1 point from perfect. I could throw a party. Reading has always been the hardest thing about school for him and he has a flippin 99 in Literature. Rock the hell on Ack. You are my hero. But then, you always were anyway.

I took Max to MDO yesterday and then Pip and I went to Target. I was going to get a charging station to keep in our kitchen to hold all of our cell phones and charges and whatnot. I have been meaning to get one since before Christmas but I just never got up there to actually purchase one before the holidays. Anyway I saw it last week on clearance for $20 - marked down from $50 - and I thought - if it's here when I come back next week I'll buy it. So we went up there and I found them and it had been marked down again. It was $7.49. Oh my sweet lord! That was the thrill of my day! Woot! It's the little things sometimes that get you through - you know?

I came home and finally got in touch with the lady who will be doing Acupuncture on me. We had been playing telephone tag for 2 weeks now. She sounds awesome. She's been doing this for 17 years and got into Acupuncture after her best friend got Bell's Palsy. She was pretty knowledgable, very understanding, and hopeful. She said we will give it a good try and that she was going to be working on trying to unblock the neurological pathways in my face. I hope she can. I feel positive about this. Maybe I'll still get my face back yet.

Wordless Wednesday

Max

Just cause it made me smile .

My Soft Place to Land

I got on Facebook today and saw a bijillion and one postings from women about their husbands and how you are supposed to cut and paste it in your update and yada yada ya.

It was a nice sentiment and it got me thinking about my husband.

To say that he is a Good Man just does not cover it.

He is a very Good Man. He works hard every day at his job for too little praise and way too little money. He averages 10 hrs a day at work and another couple when he comes home. Today is Sunday and he is at work again and he will probably be gone at least another eight hours. I miss him.

He is my rock, my safe place, and my shelter against the storm. He is rather quiet compared to me. He listens before he speaks and usually keeps his opinions and thoughts to himself unless expressly asked (haha - I know very unlike me.) I am learning from him.

He is solid. He is unafraid. He is mine. And I know how lucky I am to get to experience this life with him.

Now, this is not to say he is perfect. No one is perfect. He has his quirks and mannerism that bug the ever-lovin shit out of me. But those pale in comparison to his Good. His Good is legion.

He takes care of us; he takes care of me. We know each other at a level I don't think I've experienced with another human that didn't come out of my body.I joke with him that we have some sort of psychic connection but in truth, I swear we do. He always seems to call me exactly when I need to hear his voice. I can be angry at him over something or be sitting here distraught over one or all of the medical stuff with me and he will call at precisely that moment because "he felt like he needed to." It happens all the time and has since we met 7 1/2 years ago.

We met through Matchmaker.com. (I know - shut up.) I had been on that service about 3 weeks when I got an email from him. He said to me that he could say a lot of BS to me about my profile and all that but the truth was he thought I was hot. (lmao) Then he went on to tell me he had just moved to Dallas from Denver and didn't really know anyone yet. Anyway his email to me was so different than most that I got, it was honest, it made me laugh AND he had just moved to town from Denver. All of those things caught me and I hit reply - responded to him that I used to live in Denver and that his email was funny and hit SEND. I hadn't even looked at his profile. He could have been 400 pounds and green for all I knew. I didn't care. I clicked his profile page and I saw his picture. My first thought was 'he has a great smile.' And he does. We talked on the phone for about 3 weeks before we actually met in person. When we did meet it was at a Chili's in Plano, TX and we ate boneless buffalo wings and drank beer. At the bar. We talked for 3 hours. That was a Tuesday. We had another date on Thursday and on Saturday - which happened to be my 30th birthday. I knew by Sunday that I was falling in love with him. Within the month I knew that if he asked me, I would marry him. True story.

We have definitely had our rocky patches but we have come through them. When all of this happened to me this past summer, he never wavered. I've never even seen him look at me differently. He says it has never made any difference to him - how I look now - and I believe him. I am humbled by him and his capacity for love. He does not give himself enough credit on that score. I am not even sure I really understood what it was to love another adult truly until now and until him. I have learned this through his example and through his loving me.

He is my best friend. I have more fun watching football or going through March Madness with him than I do with anyone else. There are so many things about me that he just "gets" like no one else. And the things he doesn't "get" aren't that important anyway.

Mark is not the most vocal person - he doesn't spill his emotional self all over the place. (Again - unlike me - I know.) He keeps most of it inside. But when I need him - he is there: strong, unflinching, and solid. He doesn't try to carry me through this (although he would if need be - but we aren't there yet) instead he walks beside me. He allows me my time and lets me cry, holds me, and hands me tissues. He tells me WE will get through this and says he believes in my strength. Instead of co-dependently trying to fix it for me - he loves me and supports me but allows me to find my own way.

I don't know how I ever got this lucky. I also do not know what I would do without him.

I love you babycakes.

Thank you for your strength and your patience. Thank you for giving me these beautiful kids. Thank you for being a wonderful husband and a great dad - to all 3 of them.

I am so glad you are mine.

Thank you for choosing me.

short one today

I'm going to start a second blog - one for all my mommy "stuff".

This blog is reserved for Kathleen stuff - with some snippets here and there having to do with the small people - but mostly it's mine.

My plan is to work on that this weekend and when I get it up and running I'll post a link in case anyone wants to take a gander over there from time to time.

This really should be in the Mommy Blog but since it's not up and going yet I'm putting it here -
I'm converting our informal dining room into a temporary play room for the kiddos. While we are working on the attic and basement and converting them into more living space (bedrooms, bathroom, REAL playroom) the short people NEED somewhere for their crap to be. And believe me - they have a LOT of crap. SO since we have 2 dining rooms (yes, I know - its an old house and evidently this is how they lived - I don't know - one is a real true FORMAL dining room and the other, off the other side of the kitchen, is for a kitchen table - informal right?) I figure I'll turn one of them into a space for the kids and most of their stuff aka crap. Since the true formal one has built-ins with lead glass and all that snazzy stuff - it needs to be the informal one. (GOD I feel really pretentious and stuff saying that.) Anyway - that is what I'm doing today.

This serves a few of purposes:
1. It gives us a place to put all their toys. Hopefully this will mean I can keep the toys from creeping all over the rest of the house. It may be a pipe dream but it's one I'm holding onto for now.
2. Piper needs a place where she can s p r e a d out and practice this crawling thing. I have 2 rugs down in there and hopefully she'll be able to roll around and practice getting up on her knees. We have hardwood everywhere - pretty yes but not too good for traction when you're learning to crawl.
3. My doing this is bugging the ever-loving shit out of my husband. I'm hoping that by doing this it will add more motivation to him to get the other bedrooms FINISHED so that all the toys can go live in each kids room and we can put our kitchen table back where it needs to be. *evil grin*

Pictures to follow.

time to change my filter

I noticed last night when my husband came home he had stopped by Lowe's and bought a new filter for our furnace. He changed the old one out and it was full of all sorts of nasty bits and wads of who-knows-what-sorts of sludge. I remember thinking I was surprised if anything good was able to get through all of that. It was a Good Thing that he changed the filter now before it was too clogged to function at all.

Which got me thinking about my own personal filter.

I need to change it. It *is* clogged with much too much sludge and negativity and in general Bad Things. It is tiresome trying to filter my life through all that crap.

So I'm removing that one and putting in a new one. I'm not even sure that is entirely possible but I'm going to try. I have always believed that we are a sum of our parts - parts being our experiences. And what is all that clogging up my filter but my own life experiences? Hell - what IS a filter if not a sieve of our life experiences that slants the way we see and perceive the world?

Mine pretty much filters out LIGHT and lets in only the gray. Not good. I am fed up with seeing the world in that way: through the dark half - light.

It is interesting to me that this epiphany occurs now when the sight in one of my eyes is fading to black and I see mostly gray through it. Ironic much? Maybe that is part of this lesson. I mean, after all, how many Greek tragedies have you read where the BLIND man is the Seer? Damn near every one. God has a sense of humor - clearly. I digress.

Back to me and how I got here. I believe that when you hear the Bad Things often enough and loud enough and from the people who are supposed to love you as a child you take them in to your filter to be Truth. Even if they are not.

So now I'm attempting to replace what has been my filter all of my life: the belief that I deserve the Bad Things, the belief that I brought the Bad Things on myself, the belief that I will only continue to draw the Bad Things to me.

To all that I say a loud FUCK OFF.

I'm tired of being Sorry. I'm tired of being co-fucking-dependent. I'm tired of the Bad Things ruling my thought process.

My father stopped speaking to me 2 years ago this month. I have no idea why. He won't answer his phone when I call, or return my phone messages or emails. He won't tell me why - although he makes it clear it is OBVIOUSLY my fault. Well, fuck that too. Here's what. If I do something to you to upset you - then tell me. I am not a mind reader. I am not doing whatever it is on purpose. I don't know that I'm doing it - otherwise I would stop.

So fine. I have cried and wept and grieved over this. And I have done so because I felt like I deserved this. That I brought this on myself. That I deserved no better. That was my filter he gave me as a child. I still have it and he knows how to access it. No more. I'm done. I DIDN'T DESERVE THAT then and I don't deserve it now.

I'm also tired of the passive aggressive bullshit. I have enough of the Bad Things in my life; I don't need to invite in more. So as of now that is gone too. I'm cleaving it out with the paring knife I was given for Christmas. It's hella sharp.

I'm not stupid. I'm sure that some left over nodules of sewage will rise to the top now and then and attempt to clog up my filter. But this time is different. I will slice it out before it gets too much of a foothold. It can not live here anymore. I have flogged myself enough throughout my life. I am done. Time served.

I have a great many Very Good Things in my life: too many to name. And because of that and a zillion other reasons, I need to let the light in; I need a clean filter. I deserve to be happy, and loved, and healed, and whole. THAT is my new filter. If you don't bring one of those 4 things into my life then you are going to be filtered and removed. I have my paring knife; and I'm not afraid to use it.